No, really. It's ok.

So, I guess I've been in a somewhat pouty mood lately. I didn't get fired from my stupid job, so things are fine really. I've been in a really nostalgic mood the past few days. Just thinking about things I did when I was younger or things that have just happend in general. My favourite memory of today was finally 'winning' a ribbon in a contest. When I was younger, elementary school through 9th grade, I was really into track. I was a pretty fast runner, that was my thing. I ran. When it came to other races like, egg races, sack races, two-legged races, balloon squashing races, I never won anything. Plus the general atmosphere of such races is just good carnaval-fair type fun. If you win you jump up and down, if you lose you still smile and have fun. I remember once I had won a ribbon for placing in a two-legged race with my younger brother Aleksy. We got in 4th place but still got a ribbon. I was sooo excited when we crossed the finished line that I threw my hands in the air, as most people do when they win or get excited about something. When I threw my hands up in the air to cheer at myself, I realised that that was the first time I had thrown my hands up in the air like that. When I would run races, I always expected myself to win and I did, so there was no excitement in that. I just remember trying to 'fit in' with everyone else at the finish line by showing my enthusiasm for the event. How weird I felt, how weightless my arms felt. I had always imagined that when one threw their arms into the air, they were somehow supporting the weight of the air and heavens that had always existed in the area above their heads. When I told Will this story his reply was, "Poor girl...". I don't know whether that was sarcasm or pity, I think it was pity though.

I throw my arms up in the air now at the slightest bit of excitement or enthusiam these days and it is usually accompanied by a "Yeahhhh!" and a small jump. That way it seems like I actually am pushing the air up. I think the mistake I had made that day years ago, was that I had both feet firmly on the ground when I through my arms up. Naturally, that would feel quite strange. I had it all wrong I realise.